Sorry in advance

Selfish,careless,emotion-less,disrespectful are just a few words I've been called over the years when it comes to my relationships with people. I can admit all these flaws still do effect my relationships now. An to be honest I just don't give a fuck and I'm sorry in advance. As you can see I'm not well put together emotionally and through the eye of a mac is my outlet to let people have a better understanding of who I am. My best friend says I have split personalitys. The person you see is Nell Mac this emotional-less rebel with so much anger and rage an don't give a fuck attitude who has no control of his actions. Since I've been given the name I notice a change in myself for the worse because it has created this character in my mind that went from being this childish name to a alter ego. Yea I might tune you out to get my point across or step on some toes to get what I want but Ino that's not me. I look back on my life I say I use to go outta my to do this I use handle things like this but than my ego jumps in and see things other wise. Maybe ill put it together someday so I can be the man I wanna be but until then Im sorry for the mess I created..

King Of Hearts

From what i was told i would say am a very handsome guy with great charm (boys have swag am a grown ass man) an know the right words to say to a lady. But am not here to brag about how many women I can have nor to brag about how many i slept with. I just wanna explain my reason for my sexual escapades of my past an how they effect me today (no i do not have any std i repeat DO NOT). I always wasn't this confidant in my self when it came to the ladies and I really don't know when the light turned on for me it just did but after that moment I was a lost cause. There have been many of female to cross my path. Some where here for a season and some are still here for a reason. But I always lived by my code even though i was a hoe still treat them like a lady. Now am just giving away all my secrets but am not into what i was once into an have moved on to bigger and better things. The more I was a gentlemen the more ladies would wanna be around me an just wanna open up an that always lead to one thing sex. At that time that what I was looking for just a quick nut but also some friends to chill with but women are so predictable. I always said the same line when I would first started to talk to a female " I'm not looking for a girlfriend so please don't catch feelings and if you feel like your catching feeling please back off" Not to but the blame on any of my friends but it ALWAYS ended up the same way. They would catch feelings and be rap up into me and at the time I didn't want to hurt anyone feelings so I played along which always lead to someone getting hurt. It's not like I didn't care because I did and still do but at the time they was trying to change me into someone who I wasn't ready to become nore was I ready to slow down from what I was doing and that was being a playa. I call myself the self proclaim king of heart because I feel like I always knew how to treat a lady and which is one of my greatest strengths and is also my biggest weakness because Ino my value on the open market. What do I mean? 9 times outta 10 women will go outta there way to be with a guy who surpass all there expectations of husband material. ALL WOMEN ARE LOOK FOR THERE HUSBAND/ MR. RIGHT and in my studies of dealing with women they will go outta there way to please a man if he fits all those qualities. But women fail to realize they hold the power. Also why would I wanna be with a women if she knows what I'm about and know I'm not looking to settle down and on top of that is letting me have my cake an eat it to without doing the work. She lost the battle already. My point is when women use to accpet that our relationship was only gonna be sex no matter how nice I treat them even if I would spend the night when it was all said and done thats all it would be sex. Know matter what the age or race my game was so tight it was undefeatable and to this day only 1 girl saw through my game and is the one I let get away ( I'll be making a post about that soon). But for now the king has hung up his crown and like I said I'm on to bigger and better things. I've settled down and realize my act affect my relationship/ships today I just hope someone can learn from my mistakes before its to late for them.

Losing My Way

I was told early in my life if I do good and be good god will reward you in the long run. I've been living by those word for the last 24years of my life and I'm starting to believe I've chosen the wrong path. Now that I'm a little older I'm really starting to question our so called lord on some of his decision on my life. For starters the other day my uncle took all my cousins (his kids) out to a play and dinner and I was there when they left all dress up looking like a big happy family. On the outside I look happy for them but on the inside I was very jealous because god never allowed me to have a brother or sister so I never got the chance to experience having a sibling. Also god took away my father and my step father the two most important people in my life. I mean I was bless to have two father figures in my life but I'd rather not have them in my life than to have to suffer that pain twice. So in my eyes I didn't deserve siblings but the little bit of happiness I had god decided to take it away from me at a early age. Another thing I question god on is something he allowed me to go through early in my life. I won't say what because I'm very ashamed but being older and now knowing what it was I feel like that's something I can share with the world but if god knew what was happening why would he allow it to go on and leave me as a mental reck. Now I'm not even going to get into the relationship with my mom because I think I've explained that enough in a older post (read patty) but long story that relationship has gone very sour. Some people might say I'm over reacting but I would like them to react to the pain I've suffer and the pain I still have today. React to the loneliness knowing you can't give your loved ones or your friends your all because your to worried about losing one of them. People are telling me "leave it in gods hands" for what he's not listening. "Be thankful for what you have" what can I be thankful if I'm never happy. When its all said and done on my judgement day up ill have to look that man in the eyes and no I won't as him to for give my sins because it might be a good reason for all of them but that's how I feel now. I wanna look him right in the eye and say why. Why allow me to be a mental case? Why allow me to go through so much shit and all I did was praise you name? I'll have some many question and I pray he has a answer..