Sorry in advance

Selfish,careless,emotion-less,disrespectful are just a few words I've been called over the years when it comes to my relationships with people. I can admit all these flaws still do effect my relationships now. An to be honest I just don't give a fuck and I'm sorry in advance. As you can see I'm not well put together emotionally and through the eye of a mac is my outlet to let people have a better understanding of who I am. My best friend says I have split personalitys. The person you see is Nell Mac this emotional-less rebel with so much anger and rage an don't give a fuck attitude who has no control of his actions. Since I've been given the name I notice a change in myself for the worse because it has created this character in my mind that went from being this childish name to a alter ego. Yea I might tune you out to get my point across or step on some toes to get what I want but Ino that's not me. I look back on my life I say I use to go outta my to do this I use handle things like this but than my ego jumps in and see things other wise. Maybe ill put it together someday so I can be the man I wanna be but until then Im sorry for the mess I created..

King Of Hearts

From what i was told i would say am a very handsome guy with great charm (boys have swag am a grown ass man) an know the right words to say to a lady. But am not here to brag about how many women I can have nor to brag about how many i slept with. I just wanna explain my reason for my sexual escapades of my past an how they effect me today (no i do not have any std i repeat DO NOT). I always wasn't this confidant in my self when it came to the ladies and I really don't know when the light turned on for me it just did but after that moment I was a lost cause. There have been many of female to cross my path. Some where here for a season and some are still here for a reason. But I always lived by my code even though i was a hoe still treat them like a lady. Now am just giving away all my secrets but am not into what i was once into an have moved on to bigger and better things. The more I was a gentlemen the more ladies would wanna be around me an just wanna open up an that always lead to one thing sex. At that time that what I was looking for just a quick nut but also some friends to chill with but women are so predictable. I always said the same line when I would first started to talk to a female " I'm not looking for a girlfriend so please don't catch feelings and if you feel like your catching feeling please back off" Not to but the blame on any of my friends but it ALWAYS ended up the same way. They would catch feelings and be rap up into me and at the time I didn't want to hurt anyone feelings so I played along which always lead to someone getting hurt. It's not like I didn't care because I did and still do but at the time they was trying to change me into someone who I wasn't ready to become nore was I ready to slow down from what I was doing and that was being a playa. I call myself the self proclaim king of heart because I feel like I always knew how to treat a lady and which is one of my greatest strengths and is also my biggest weakness because Ino my value on the open market. What do I mean? 9 times outta 10 women will go outta there way to be with a guy who surpass all there expectations of husband material. ALL WOMEN ARE LOOK FOR THERE HUSBAND/ MR. RIGHT and in my studies of dealing with women they will go outta there way to please a man if he fits all those qualities. But women fail to realize they hold the power. Also why would I wanna be with a women if she knows what I'm about and know I'm not looking to settle down and on top of that is letting me have my cake an eat it to without doing the work. She lost the battle already. My point is when women use to accpet that our relationship was only gonna be sex no matter how nice I treat them even if I would spend the night when it was all said and done thats all it would be sex. Know matter what the age or race my game was so tight it was undefeatable and to this day only 1 girl saw through my game and is the one I let get away ( I'll be making a post about that soon). But for now the king has hung up his crown and like I said I'm on to bigger and better things. I've settled down and realize my act affect my relationship/ships today I just hope someone can learn from my mistakes before its to late for them.

Losing My Way

I was told early in my life if I do good and be good god will reward you in the long run. I've been living by those word for the last 24years of my life and I'm starting to believe I've chosen the wrong path. Now that I'm a little older I'm really starting to question our so called lord on some of his decision on my life. For starters the other day my uncle took all my cousins (his kids) out to a play and dinner and I was there when they left all dress up looking like a big happy family. On the outside I look happy for them but on the inside I was very jealous because god never allowed me to have a brother or sister so I never got the chance to experience having a sibling. Also god took away my father and my step father the two most important people in my life. I mean I was bless to have two father figures in my life but I'd rather not have them in my life than to have to suffer that pain twice. So in my eyes I didn't deserve siblings but the little bit of happiness I had god decided to take it away from me at a early age. Another thing I question god on is something he allowed me to go through early in my life. I won't say what because I'm very ashamed but being older and now knowing what it was I feel like that's something I can share with the world but if god knew what was happening why would he allow it to go on and leave me as a mental reck. Now I'm not even going to get into the relationship with my mom because I think I've explained that enough in a older post (read patty) but long story that relationship has gone very sour. Some people might say I'm over reacting but I would like them to react to the pain I've suffer and the pain I still have today. React to the loneliness knowing you can't give your loved ones or your friends your all because your to worried about losing one of them. People are telling me "leave it in gods hands" for what he's not listening. "Be thankful for what you have" what can I be thankful if I'm never happy. When its all said and done on my judgement day up ill have to look that man in the eyes and no I won't as him to for give my sins because it might be a good reason for all of them but that's how I feel now. I wanna look him right in the eye and say why. Why allow me to be a mental case? Why allow me to go through so much shit and all I did was praise you name? I'll have some many question and I pray he has a answer..

Chivalry is dead? Not really..

Chivalry is not dead its just not required from what i was told but that falls on the women. We know all women are sitting on a gold mind but I feel like they have lost there luster. Why you ask cause women are not holding them selfs to a standerd so the brothers feel like they should have to do sertain thing which should be a requirement. Me personally I always hold the door and open the car door for the ladies and when I do that mostly the younger women (25 n younger) don't no how to react. I remember one time I did it and a girl told me not to do it in front of her friends cause its embarrassing which is sad so ever since then I stop doing that all together.Trying to be a gentleman its hard cause when I do things that should be expected like holding the door or a simple compliment women are like Aww your so sweet your so nice and then turn around and call you soft. Smh where's the love? That the point there is none. Sorry ladies your the ones to blame for letting it get like this..

Superman Fly!!!

Superman strongest man in the universe faster than a speeding bullet and has only one weakness. But has anyone ever thought about how superman really feels. Am pretty sure everyone comes to him for advice cause they know he can solve all there problems. But who does superman talks to when he has a problem? When superman need a shoulder to lean on who can he call on? Superman gets a bad rap cause on the inside he's human. He go's through emotions just like us.

Patty

Grown up I think eveny kid wish they had the ideal family. Mom a dad sister brother a little white dog named oscar living in the suburbs attending the best schools family vacations every summer. Sounds like a good life to me. Now my up bringing wasn't along those line but I really can't complain. My mom was in my life I had a dad and a step dad lots of cousins great friends and great memories. Even with all those relationships the one that sticks out to me is " my mom was in my life". She didn't go anywhere but its not the same relationship it was years ago.

First off let me say I love my mom to death and everyone know I would fight a rock for her but today I don't look at her as my mom I see her as patty . Growing up my mom was the shit she mad sure I had the best of everything I never wanted for nothing. She use to come to my tag football games any program I want to be apart of she made sure I was in it. She cook everyday only time I would eat out if I was with my dad. And she always had me looking good and we look good as a family me her and my step dad. And even though we lived in the project she made it feel like it was the suburbs. I gotta side track to help yall understand my mom and step dad (from now on ill call him POP cause that's who he is) relationship. Now they knew each other since my mom was 9 and they been on and off ever since and when I was born it was the same thing.

Now am not going to put me and my mom business out on front street but for those who have street knowledge you be able to read in between the lines. When your younger you don't understand what adults do because its UNFAMILIAR but when you do understand it you can become so ashamed it can tear you away from a person. There were three parts of pattys life
Were she went from greatness to the bottom of the bottom.

Part:1 I was about 13 and it was the summer before I started high school and me pattys an pop was sitting at the dining room table talking about my high school I was about to attend. And we was talking about me commuting and all the new people I was going to meet from all over the city and outta know were pattys starts crying. Me and pop was looking at her like what's going on. She starts yelling at me telling me to goto my neighbourhood school because I wasn't going to know any body and its so far away. Patty hated change. So one thing lead to another and her and pop started arguing and pop left. Me knowing there same routine he'd stay over his fathers for the night and be home in the morning. The morning came he never came home. Days later he's a no show than I received a phone call its pop. Am like pop when are you coming home and he said am not your mom has to get her act together and for the time being your the man of the house I still love you and your my son call me when ever and ill see you soon. That's the day pop left.

Part:2 A few years have past its just me and patty now things in my life have went from bad to hell. Before I started high school we moved from one project to a worse projects. Our relationship has gonna very sour at this point the only thing we talk about is my transportation to school. Than to make matters worse she quit her job why I have no idea why? I mean she was making good money and I also was receiving my child support check so we was eatting to be in low income housing but all that change when patty changed. Finally I've gotten sick of this same shit with her between the arguing and no support from my parent I did the best thing at the time and that was to move in with my aunt. That's the day she lost me.

Part:3 The summer of 2007 I was in school and working and taking care of myself doing kinda ok and I received a phone call from patty. She on the phone with me crying saying if I don't have $800 by tomorrow she be evicted outta her home and I'm the one who has to come up with the money. Now thing have gotten worse with our relationship and now we barely speak and I was surprise to say the least. Long story short I couldn't get the money and she got kick outta her home along with everything from my childhood was lost (pictures, trophies, awards, etc). The day she lost everything.

Today me and pattys relationship is better than it once was. I still wish I didn't have to go through so much mental stress as a young man maybe our relationship could be even better. She is doing much better than she once was and am proud of her for that. Maybe she'll wake up an smell the coffee but until that day all I can do is pray and hope she gets her act together before its to late.

The Yo-Yo

Do you know someone who always has a boyfriend or girlfriend? Me I never been that guy I mean I've had girlfriends but not all the time. But I think my reason for that is I just don't wanna get hurt again of love lost. So I think its best for me to share my story about a female who hurt me countless of times but I just couldn't let her go. Why you ask? It was never about the sex to be honest I've waited damn near 2 years for it. She was really the only girl who could keep my attention for more than an hour an still wanting more.

So our story begins in 2003 around the middle of September and am a junior in high school playing yu gi oh cards with friends (don't judge me) on a Friday evening when this girl with these glasses walks by and starts speaking to my best friend (my best friend is a female) and at that moment I was done. Ino people say love at first site but damn I was in like a lot a whole lot. One thing lead to another an me and "this girl" (I won't say her name because I don't want any beef) finally got together and to be honest she was my first girlfriend I really had.

She was young but she was kinda of mature for her age and I really didn't know any better. There were plenty of signs of trouble but none as big as when I seen she have a book bag pocket full of condoms and I still didn't even make it to third base with her. But me not knowing any better I let it ride until the night of the mark. Now I went from seeing my girlfriend from everyday to she'll catch me when she can. But this one night we were hanging with friends an it was kinda of cold out so everyone had coats on an long story short she had a Passion mark on her neck. So after that I broke it off an I was hurt am like damn I wasn't good enough for you but that's that..

Time went by and I haven't seen this girl for a while now its may of 2004 the day of my cousin prom. It's about a million people outside my aunts house but outta all the people there all I see is her standing there just looking at me but not looking at something that girls do. So I get the balls to walk over an say hi to "this girl" an just like that its like old time were laughing touching each other making out and BOOM the next day were back together. Few weeks fly by an were doing well but its was another girl who I knew that like me but I wasn't leading her on cause I had a girlfriend but she was kool but "this girl" didn't like her AT ALL. Now on this random summer night my girlfriend left and I needed someone to take out my hair so I ask this other girl to do it for me which I thought was no big deal an so she did. Now word got back to my girlfriend and she broke up me. I did nothing wrong all I did was get my hair taking out I never slept with the girl or really did anything else with her but she broke it off (But am not going to say later down the line they did fight on my block but you didn't hear it from me haha)

Damn near a whole years passes summer of 2005 now I have new girlfriend but things are very rocky with us. Now once again this girl is back in my life how she get there Idk. But now things are kool we both have grown up a bit an she know and accepts that I have a girlfriend. She becoming a great friend when my girlfriend at the time does something dumb an about a week later I had to let her go because she lost my trust. Now this girl has become a great friend in my time of need and I couldn't ask for more.

Time past an its the beginning of winter am in school and also working 2 job and this girl is working and is also in school and were hanging out more than ever so am like f it let's try this again and we both really believe this time will be different this time it will work. You know how in the beginning of a relationship everything is great cause its still new well our new stage never came about. Me am busting my ass working and going to school just got my first car trying to make everything work with us and outta the blue she's like "We need a break". Why I still haven't found out til this day. So during this break she just stop calling me responding to my texts hell she even but that she was single on bebo (yall don't know about that). Now am starting to get the hints but it still didn't hit me. Now Valentines day rolls around so I got her a few things even though we was still on this break I was trying to be a good boyfriend. But the same thing with her she won't pick up my phone call n she wouldn't answer my texts. This was getting out of hand its been damn near a mouth No nothing from this girl. I decided to call one more time before Valentines day was over. The phone ring and I heard a hello but it wasn't her voice it was a dude voice and in the back round I hear her voice cracking the fuck up and no lie I was like she got it.

My life was in shambles and no female could be trusted so I did what any guy would do in my situation fuck a whole bunch of women til the pain go away. I wasn't having fun females came an went outta my life had very good girls but I didn't treat them right so I broken a lot of hearts. All I could do was bust a nut no feelings no nothing. Kenell was no longer going to give his heart to any female again so all they knew was Nell Mac. I told them what they wanna hear but that's wear it stops. Until the summer of 2009 an guess who I seen on Ichat this girl. I had so many questions I needed answered so I could move on with my life. Why me? What did I do wrong? Do you still think about me? But when I hit her up all I could say was hi.

So yes I bitch up and we became kool once again But this time i knew who I was and I damn sure knew who she was. She came to visit me at work. We went out on a few dates hell we even mess around a few times an even with all that I had no feelings for her. I grew up and out grew her so I forgave her. I could no longer say she's the reason for me not wanting to give my heart up or keeping my guard up when it comes to females. Damn today that shit feels good.

It's been about a few mouth since I seen this girl but we didn't have anything to say to each and Ino will cross each other paths again but I wish her the best and thank her for helping me become the person I'm today. Sure its the road less traveled but it showed me the I became and now I'm glad of the person am I become..

Giving this a try..

A good friend told me do this a long time ago but never got around to but now that i have some free time am like hey why not.. Am not writing a blog to become famous or to be the next internet hit am just looking to share some of my life experiences with people of the world an maybe a past experience can help someone NOT make the i've mad in my short life..